The Nerd Commandments

Thanks to Rob Bricken of Topless Robot there exists a nerd-compiled list of the twenty nerd commandments. I have selected my favorite ones. How many of these sacred laws do you uphold?

Read after the jump for my revised list of the eleven commandments, and my responses. Add your own responses, or commandments in the comments!

Thou must experience as many nerdy properties as possible throughout your youth (nerdy parents must assist with this). By the age of 20, you must have chosen at least two sides of the following: Star Wars or Star Trek, Kirk or Picard, Marvel or DC, Mac or PC, Trukk or Munkey, Baker or Tennant, and Joel or Mike. If these topics come up, you must argue your choice past all reasonableness.
Star Trek, Picard, not sure, PC, no idea, still deciding, Joel.
Thou must always recognize your first exposure to a nerdy property was the best possible incarnation of that property. Likewise, thou must always find new incarnations, sequels, spin-offs, rip-offs, and media inspired these properties to be crappier than your prized original.
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Books FTW!
Thou must revere the Nerd Girl, because she is as rare as the diamond and just as valuable. Thou shouldst not stark her just because she's the only girl in your nerd circle, and if/when she turns down your advances, you will not spurn her because that's just shitty. And Nerd Girls, thou must be careful, for thy power is great -- and can be used for both good and ill.
Damn straight.
Thou must try to convince your significant other to name the child after a character of nerdy importance.If thou are cut from the cloth of the nerd tribe and have managed to breed, , and bringeth into the world the Lando's, the Anakin's, the Kal-Els.
Maybe not Anakin, but my child will be named after a book character. This is non-negotiable.
Thou shalt acknowledge that Batman beats everyone, ever, anywhere at fighting. That's right, he beats everybody. Even Optimus Prime. Even Darth Vader. Even Chuck Norris. He'd find a way. He's the goddamn Batman.
And his super power is money.
If two nerds ever find themselves holding cylindrical objects of at least 9 inches in length they must immediately make lightsaber ignition noises and face each other down in mortal combat.
Yep. The same applies for wands and sonic screwdrivers (if you're bored and have a lot of cabinets to put up).
When searching for something to watch on television you must watch the geek movie you come across, even if you have said movie in your collection. If anyone asks, "Why don't you just watch the one you own?" stare at them like an idiot and explain, "That is not the point."
Guilty. Totally guilty. ABC Family Harry Potter weekend, anyone?
Thy first crush must be upon an cartoon character.
 Dimitri from Anastasia. So hot. Also, Thomas from Pocahontas.


Thou must learn how to do to the Vulcan hand gesture, whether thou likes Star Trek or not.
This one doesn't even need saying.
Thou shalt be required to attend at least one nerd convention (videogames, anime, comics, etc.) during thy lifetime.
Phoenix Rising, Terminus, Leaky Con, Infinitus, Aeternitas, Wrockstock II,III,IV,V.....
and everyone's favorite:

Thou must obey the Law of the Golden Mean. What is it? Glad you asked:
• Any thing that can be purchased, achieved or obtained that consists of a discrete number of individual parts, issues, episodes, or location; such as issues of a comic book, trading cards in a set, or action figures in a line is subject to the Law of the Golden Mean.
• Any nerd in possession of more than 61.8% of the individual items in such a series must, if at all possible, either proceed to acquire each of the remaining items so as to complete the set, or sell one or more items on eBay until the nerd again owns less than 61.8% of the total series.
• If the items owned make up a complete set of a more specific series, the law is satisfied.
This is why I only own ONE book in the Uglies trilogy. If I buy one more, I would, of course, have to buy them all. This is also why my incomplete collection of Orson Scott Card hard cover books keeps me up at night.
How do you measure up? Any commandments to add?


May the force/schwartz be with you.

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